what do they expect of me?
if they expect me to
follow the well-trodden path,
to connection, to education, to permanence –
i will disappoint.
but if i expect myself to
follow where intuition and intellect guide me,
to my truest passion, to my metaphorical home –
i will excel.
what do they expect of me?
if they expect me to
respond to challenges in the typical traditional way,
while ignoring my inner voice and compromising my values –
i will disappoint.
but if i expect myself to
respond to the world without numbing my sensibilities,
while creating my own solutions and respecting my reasons for being –
i will flourish.
what do they expect of me?
if they expect me to
settle for existing trends and customary circumstances,
leaving my integrity hanging out to dry –
i will disappoint.
but if i expect myself to
settle for nothing and push beyond my limits,
leaving the not-quite-a-fit status quo far behind –
i will thrive.
what do they expect of me?
if they expect me to
accept and surrender to less-than-satisfactory conventions,
because otherwise i may just ruffle a few feathers –
i will disappoint.
but if i expect myself to
accept and welcome the feeling of exhilarating boldness,
because i choose to stand up for and champion my cause –
i will dazzle.
if what they expect is beneath your very best,
if it isn’t what you expect yourself to do . . .
rise up.
throw off the shackles.
excel, flourish, thrive, and dazzle.
do your expectations for yourself differ from what others think you should do?
do you concentrate on living your own life in spite of these conflicting views?
please share your thoughts with me in the comments below.
What influence should THEY have, anyway? Any time or energy or passion spent on what THEY think is time wasted. And in my limited experience, there is a certain amount of fear that is the underlying reason for, “What will THEY think?” being a recurring thought. I care what HE thinks, but He knows my thoughts, my motives….and loves me to pieces perfectly, always and forever. So the shackles are ours to keep or throw off….and THEY don’t have the power to put or keep them on anyone. THEY won’t make or prevent us from dazzling, if we don’t relinquish that power to THEM.
yet people are sometimes unaware when they are following the crowd, ignorant of how subtle that influence may be. the idea here is to become mindful of those externalities and to see if they match internal motivations and desires. if they donβt, they can be discarded and ignored. a quick reassessment of what is real and true is often in order.
i am living my life authentically, but there are still moments where others question and test my intentions. my chosen way of interacting with the world can seem foreign and uncomfortable to those who are approaching things differently, and that tends to raise discussion. blazing your own trail is ultimately fulfilling, but it can be a lonely place as well.
Your post made me think about this and I love how you worded it. Expectations from others or from ourselves can be useful but not if it doesn’t line up like you said. I love your words, “rise up. throw off the shackles.”
You know, I was having some pretty large expectations of myself for such a long time that I didn’t even realize that I had them. When I started being more mindful of my thinking and actions I realized those expectations where not making me happy. Also I saw that many of them where there because others had put them on me. I think as young people we get sort of ‘programed’ to think that what other’s expectations of us are is supposed to be right for us.
I just love the fact that regardless of our past story or what others have expected we can change whenever we choose. It’s our story right? We are the authors and we have that power…awesome! Thanks for a great post π
melissa – so impressive that you overlooked the “programming” (and, yes! i think you’re right about that) and became mindfully aware of what makes YOU happy! it is our story and we can change the plot, the characters, the setting, and the ending! thank you for sharing your insights.
Really beautiful April. I am learning more and more everyday to concentrate on living my own path because when I do so, the stress disappears and the fear fades away. It is only when I try to meet the expectations of others, following their lead instead of my own, that I get a bit lost and thrown off course. Thanks for such an eloquent reminder to believe that my intuition and inner wisdom can never fail me…the heart always knows best!
thank you, stacey! you are so wise to see that when you’re off course and the fear/stress appear, you are not following your inner guide.
I used to be a victim of what THEY think. And I still find myself sometimes giving in to other people’s expectations of me even when it honestly does not light me up. When this happens, I step back, reassess and give myself a gentle reminder to not so easily waive to other’s preconceived idea of me. That it is not that which makes me ultimately happy. Then I go back to my thing, feeling liberated. It helps to be guided by the heart.
I love this post so much.
love your takeaways, sofia. it’s great that you are able to recognize those times that we have all fallen prey to – doing what others expect of us.
What an elegant post, April.
Following your intuition can be challenging sometimes because it isn’t the status quo, but if you get used to doing it, it becomes impossible to live any other way.
Dazzling is so much better!
yes, i vote for DAZZLING, suzanne! π
A timely post for me, April. I was just reflecting on my rebel nature and searching back through time to see where it emerged. For me, there were many “theys.” My parents (mostly my mother), the nuns in a very restrictive Catholic school environment, my grandparents (from the old country, ie “old school”) the school district in which I taught. I think the rebel energy helped me keep the focus on living my own life, always. It’s much easier for me to do that where principles or values are concerned. Where I fall sometimes is in not wanting to disappoint someone who has expectations of me that do not feel true to me. That is a journey. Thank you for a thoughtful post.
oh my, sue ann, i remember my grandparents talking about “the old country!” yes, it’s always a journey, isn’t it? but though never a perfect path, how we learn along the way!
The older I get the less I care about what they expect from me. It often feels like judgement which is really them just projecting their stuff.
It do care about what I think and feel intuitively. Keep up the beautiful writing April!
i’m finding the same to be true, susie. i am much more relaxed about many things as i get older. and you raise an important point – it is rarely about us.
Beautiful. Something to remind ourselves of every day. Unshackled may not please everyone, but it definitely makes life more pleasant and exciting.
and so freeing when we finally realize we can’t (and absolutely don’t need to) please everyone! thanks, cathy.
April, I just adore your writings. Very beautiful and very touching. I almost cried reading this one. Again, this hit a chord with my Lebanese upbringing and how MUCH expectation they set on a young girl. And how much judgement is passed on a young girl. I grew up quite rebellious because of this, walking a fine line between rebellion and still being a “good girl” out of respect foyer my parents. By the time I was in my 20’s and on my own, I basically said F THEM ALL! π
love this so much, tania! so interesting from a different cultural background/viewpoint (and your bold response is priceless!) π
Beautiful, April!! Fighting that status quo can be so exhausting, but sadly for many, those living in it don’t even understand their own “why”. Like you, I will blaze my own path. Thank you for this beautiful, heart felt writing!! <3
you have certainly blazed your own path, april! π not understanding the “why” of one’s life is indeed a sad place to be . . . but the good news? it is always waiting to be discovered.
April this is so wonderful. I feel like it has taken almost all of my 44 years to get to the place that you write about. I am so happy to be here. But it does beg the question–what would life be like if we taught this to our children. How different would our world look? I don’t know how to make it happen, but I feel it is so needed and wanted.
and i am so happy you are there too, lorna! not only that, but you are one of the change agents out there in the world, making it happen for our children. how wonderful is that? π
One of the wonders of being an adult is realizing that we don’t need to conform to the expectations of others. It took me many years to understand that I can be my own person and do what makes me happy. I had been such a shy and non-confrontational young woman that I often sacrificed my needs in order to please others. I know that how to set boundaries that enable me to be more content with my life.
boundaries (and a little confrontation!) are a good thing in finding your essence and remaining true to it. so happy to hear that is a reality for you now, lori.
I think the people in my life expect me to honest, sincere and true to my beliefs. I can only try to live up to these expectations π
those are the BEST people to have in your life, erin! π
Loved this, April. Wow.
Here’s the beautiful gift in my life: I am so incredibly fortunate to be surrounded with supportive family and friends. I do some really wackadoodle, unconventional things (like quit my high-paying corporate career to follow my writing dreams) and they all build me up and support me in my journey. Truly blessed. I’m not sure I could do it without them on the scary days. What a beautiful gratitude journey you took me on through your moving words. Thank YOU! xo
thank you so much, michelle. and, as i said to erin (directly above), you’ve got it all with fabulous people like that in your life! but, of course, you attract those people to yourself. π
April. I love you. That is all. xo
aw . . . i love you too, elizabeth.
April, very timely for me at the moment as I am writing about similar topics for my book. Hmmm, I unshackled in a limited sense in my late 20’s then really took them off for good in my 40’s. Now I care less and less about what people think. I realized for me expectations were attached to approval by myself and others…liberating post. Thank you !
you are welcome, dana! π and i’m right with you – caring about what others think is a complete waste of my time. if i am happy and content, i know i am doing the right thing. i trust my inner judgment.
Great message – it is a lifetime ‘s work taking off the shackles of society ‘s expectations and becoming free to be ourselves! Xxxx
it’s not an easy task, is it deb? but it can absolutely be done! and freeing is right . . . oh, so freeing it is.
Your post really struck a chord with me April. I spent four years, during my counselling degree, in therapy, and became very mindful of how I’d lived my life with other people in mind. No wonder I felt angry, disappointed and directionless. I am aware of how I need to practice this new paradigm of following and trusting my own intuition and remember to listen to how my body reacts and how I’m feeling so I can keep following my own path. I have to say it is often a struggle to keep this up and your poem is something I will keep to help me remain true to myself.
what a touching comment, susannah. i am so happy to hear that my words spoke to you. it can definitely be a struggle, but also the most rewarding gift of all – to follow and trust yourself completely. and, as you say, to keep following your own path. bravo to you for discovering your inner strength and direction.
Powerful! Excellent! So excited to be introduced to you this way April.
so glad to see you here, christie! π (and thank you.)
I was having this very conversation during a group practitioner’s meeting yesterday: the ongoing process of untangling what’s yours from what’s not, understanding where and how the expectations you/we/I try to fulfill are actually handed down from parents. I also catch myself behaving out of an assumption that someone has an expectation of me: talk about projection!
The worst one for me is the perpetual striving to reach some unattainable bar set by my father, and in later years that I set for myself. As Dana says, it’s all about a need for approval, and gradually freeing yourself from those bindings.
that sounds like a very interesting and inspirational meeting, cathy! yes, projection is rampant in expectations (our projections, others’ projections). and separating it all out is crucial to our well-being.
What a manifesto. Fantastic. Delicious.
I’m definitely trying to undo myself from A) “Their” expectations and B) My own old expectations and replace them with new, life-affirming, vibrant ones.
Thank you for sharing. Really.
wow! thank you, inge. and thanks for bringing up an essential piece of this “expectations” story – our OWN OLD expectations. we tend to cling to old beliefs and old ways of doing things, even when they are no longer serving us. time to bring in the “new, life-affirming, vibrant ones” (love that).
For most of my adult life I tried to live up to what my mother and family wanted me to be…and each time I failed. I failed in their eyes. But, as I look back…I knew I had to escape the status quo. And, escape is what I did. It took a few decades, but here I am!
Thanks for this post April. It is a reminder that I am on the right track. Very powerful!.
hooray for you for escaping what wasn’t a perfect fit for you, denise!
rise up.
throw off the shackles…. YES YES YES!
LOVE this post, thanks for sharing!
glad you agree. thank you, kate! π
The older I get, the more centred I am, and the less I care about what ‘they’ expect from me. It’s taken me a while, but I now realise that people often don’t want you to break free, as it confronts them with what they wish they’d done themselves, but didn’t have the courage to do.
absolutely, laura. when others don’t have the courage to do what they themselves deeply desire, they tend to feel threatened by those who have.
It’s wonderful that you can express yourself so well through poetry -and a very meaningful message!
thanks, heather – i really appreciate your comment. π
“Expect” is such a trigger word for me! I love this writing. I think as women we worry about what’s “expected” way too much. Thanks for pointing out the other side!
it can be difficult to break free of expectations – we’ve been around them a very long time. just knowing “expect” is a trigger word for you will make you more mindful the next time it doesn’t feel quite right, karen.