most in some, some in most

this last week has been good.
a lot of progress, an upbeat attitude.

but the month before that?
well, let me just say,
when you decide to move to another country . . .

most days are hard in some ways,
and some days are hard in most ways.

i thought i’d give you a behind-the-scenes,
genuinely-vulnerable look today,
at a very typical human life.
spliced with difficulty and darkness,
as well as satisfaction and sunshine.
(the latter making the former worthwhile.)

so here they are, snippets of things that happened,
as pulled directly from the pages of my journal:

• insane schedule, feeling tired and cranky, just want to sit
• this week’s been hard, setbacks and disappointments
• aches and pains, physically and emotionally
• an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness today . . . i miss my boys, i miss my friends, i miss my dad
• i’m too old for manual labor (ouch!)
• a difficult, difficult week
• i’m sore, i’m sad, i’m lonely
• i love villa magnolia, but today i’m longing to be near my sons
• no time to do ANYTHING right now
• i would have so many new friends if i could only speak the language
• the gas bill arrived (OMG!)
• feeling left out, a bit melancholy
• fish-out-of-water-itis
• what do i do with myself in these moments, wishing so badly i could be there in person to hug another’s worry and grief away?
• still not on track with my daily routines
• sometimes it hits me . . . what are my things doing here? what are my cats doing here? what am i doing here? (so strange)
• interesting human behavior, that’s all i’m going to say
• business hours can be quite inconvenient around here
• feeling no passion today, even the anger is muted
• numb, just going through the motions
• i’ll never be able to roll my Rs
• being sick is no fun
• a hard-to-believe heartbreaking situation, and so far away
• receiving cryptic messages, i need straight-up communication
• waves of missing A & N
• charged €150 extra on rental car for unexplainable dent
• tired of expensive rental cars that we can only get for a month at a time, missing my mini cooper
• feeling weak and scared
• up all night with my right thumb throbbing/pulsing in pain (started imagining the worst . . . is it infected? will the infection spread? where is the nearest emergency room? how would i even explain what’s wrong?)
• possible identity theft
• dreaming about mom’s death
• broke one of my favorite vases while washing it in the sink, given to us by a dear friend on our wedding day almost 29 years ago, it traveled from northern idaho to western washington to alaska, back to western washington, back to northern idaho, then all the way to italy without a scratch
• the dreariest of moods (with uncommonly dreary weather to match)

what do you think?
anything sound familiar?

we’re in this-thing-called-life together.

 
 
but today, april 20, is my birthday!
the sun is shining brightly,
and i am oh-so-happy to be alive.
 
 
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