white bruises of the soul
a very personal post for me today. i'll try to form a coherent story, as i make sense of my scribbled thoughts. the words are difficult to write.
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one month ago i was challenged by someone i greatly respect. who said perhaps i didn't always walk my talk. the talk i promote here on my blog, and with my clients.
at first i felt flawed. cut to the core. like a fraud.
my feelings were hurt. you know that emotional pain that you physically experience in your heart? that leaves no visible mark, but feels like a punch nonetheless? white bruises of the soul.
defense mechanisms kicked in. when i'm hurt i can become sarcastic. and caustic remarks sometimes slip from my mouth. a way to protect myself i guess. but also a way to cause more damage, and set more hurt in motion.
i was reigning in my bitterness. rather than reining it in. clearly not a shining moment for me.
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later i realized it had all been my choice. what? CHOOSE to hurt my own feelings?
yes and no.
yes, i did have the power within me to respond differently.
"what you THINK about what someone says is what causes your feelings. YOU hurt your feelings each and every time." (brooke castillo)
no, i didn't want to feel hurt. it's easy to do though. a conditioned, habitual way to react.
always an effort to restructure replies. especially when feeling vulnerable.
since then i've had some time to analyze what was said. bottom line? i still have work to do. integrating the irrational side of my existence with what i know to be true.
it takes conscious deliberate action, constant mental reframing. changing immediate reactions to more appropriate responses.
obviously i know what to do. i'm trained as a counselor and a coach. but as any human can attest, sometimes the motivation or the wherewithal simply isn't there to actually do it.
we falter. we stumble. we fall short of others' expectations. and our own.
but we've got to keep trying. keep getting up. keep striving to be the best we can be.
so even though i'm not consistently at my finest, i have an ideal i believe in. that i'm aiming for. often i don't reach that standard. but i keep trying to better myself, to improve to a level i can be proud of.
perfect? hardly. always on my journey of discovery.
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my assignment:
to reassess, reevaluate, reexamine my motives
to understand that growth is never-ending, if i remain open
to recognize and appreciate my own individual values
to align with my true convictions and act accordingly
to safeguard my authentic self in the process
here is a little diagram that i drew for myself (in all its crude homemade glory):
celebrate the incentive to pick yourself back up. allow your self-inflicted white bruises to heal. start again.
it's what defines the road to progress. never a smooth straightaway, but you become a more experienced driver all the time.
"fall seven times. stand up eight." (japanese proverb)
anyone else ever struggle with similar issues? with integrating who you'd like to be (or who you think you already are) with how you're actually behaving?
are you willing to share your own inner conflicts? what lessons have you learned? [maxbutton id="1"]