word of the year revisited.
WAVE.
to bend or sway to and fro.
to be moved, especially in opposite directions.
just like a wave,
my life ebbs and flows.
in january, i committed to hopping on my wave and embracing it.
even if i got swept up in the tide now and then.
WAVE.
a personal uprising.
a private rebellion against stagnation.
well . . . i've caught the wave.
and i've been on a wild ride for the past six months.
my life has indeed ebbed and flowed.
and i've had to twist with it, adjust my sails.
take the good with the bad.
i'd like to share a few excerpts from my morning pages (a la julia cameron).
during the first half of 2013, january through june.
some entries were too personal to post.
others were mentioned, but are perhaps too obscure to understand.
and i probably included far too many examples.
but i thought they would serve to illuminate and illustrate my personal ups and downs.
my wave.
january:
19 - phone ringing off the hook for house showings, but still no offers.
20 - i don't do well with things that are MANDATORY. i take great pride in living my life the way i want to. being who i am, not caring if i fit into a nice neat little box.
27 - wow. wow. wow. nothing quite as scary as not being able to breathe. nose completely blocked off, wheezing, throat closed, pressure on chest. the whole deal. because i had one sip of the cold remedy with aspirin in it.
february:
3 - not sure how i could be at a loss for words?! but maybe i'm just sick to death of analyzing analyzing thinking thinking planning planning strategizing strategizing. day in and day out. what i've done. what i'm going to do. what i need to do. what i dream. what i imagine. what i envy. what i gloat over. what i see with my eyes. what i hear with my ears. what i feel with my heart and intuition.
4 - i am featured in a colleague's new e-book! so flattered.
8 - funny. after close to ELEVEN YEARS, i still think of my mom on almost a daily basis.
15 - a fabulous time yesterday with my thoughtful, romantic husband.
20 - TOO MUCH INFORMATION!! INFORMATION OVERLOAD!!
22 - latte (steam rising), books, papers, pens. ah . . . for me, this is bliss.
24 - we had an OFFER friday night! first one! but it was LOW.
march:
14 - i need to do what's in my heart, what feels right to me. i'm definitely going to remain true to myself. follow my intuition.
15 - n. had been waiting to go to the falls. what a nice escape. we all needed it. great idea. and i got to actually see the young photographer at work, serious and professional. very impressive.
15 - our location affected my mood, my life, my health in astronomical ways.
16 - this word keeps popping up everywhere i turn. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. yes, i feel fear. i feel fear every time i try something new. YES. FEAR. but i still need to move on.
18 - well, i'm NOT "most people." and i don't want to be.
21 - in current holding pattern. stalled.
22 - trying to digest, process a lot of information that's going through my head today. not just information, but goals and dreams. i feel about ready to BURST. as if i am on the verge of something BIG today. i truly believe i've had an epiphany of sorts, and i'm about to go FROM TRANSITIONAL TO TRANSFORMATIONAL (my new mantra).
24 - i hate waiting. want everything resolved right now.
27 - this edition of morning pages is full of negativity. good to get it out, but not a productive inspiring way to start my day.
april:
1 - i feel this compelling need to get it all out of ME and onto PAPER. everything that delights or disappoints or depresses or demolishes or defines me. so there it is, the rawness of april. april exposed.
2 - we got an offer yesterday at lunch. actually a reasonable one.
4 - "and this old world is a new world, and a bold world, for me. oh freedom is mine, and i know how i feel. it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, for me. and i'm feeling good." (anthony newley / leslie bricusse)
4 - a long process still. 20 day feasibility period is a bit scary, but we're on our way! moving forward! to freedom!! to spain!!
22 - and people wonder why i like anonymous big cities where not everyone knows your business and you are left alone to live your life.
24 - i have too much "stuff" in my head and my heart at the moment. i feel stuffed to capacity.
may:
2 - this place just doesn't feel like a home without the boys and the animals. so cold. so quiet. so sterile.
5 - i cannot live in the past. no one ever can. i can appreciate the full life i've been so privileged to live. and i can make the years to come as meaningful and extraordinary as possible.
22 - so, what is taking up so much of my time and emotional investment? MOVING. going through boxes, packing, loading, traveling back and forth, grappling with all the little details. it is extremely OVERWHELMING! but i'm arriving at what i think will be a sense of peace, inner calm. as i simplify and streamline. finally.
june:
5 - i need to sort out many things. obviously my belongings. but also the things i need to get done. and most importantly my thoughts, feelings, observations, reactions, intentions. get back on track.
7 - immense feeling of "this is RIGHT" came over me last night.
11 - a. can definitely handle himself on his own. he's independent, self-sufficient, and courageous. i'm very proud of him and his unafraid approach to life.
11 - jag is not feeling well. very slow on walks, gaunt-looking, and coughing. i've got a call in to the vet.
20 - #9: PLAN SEPTEMBER IN SPAIN.
21 - n.'s big day! he and e. left @ 8:15 to take his photographs to the bistro for his first ever display!!
29 - "bleak: without hope or encouragement, depressing, dreary." i went out and rubbed jag's ears (those velvety soft ears of his), draped myself across his back, and cried.
29 - maybe that's what jaggy will finally get to do. run and run and run. forever free. goodbye.
30 - so so sad. i can't believe he was just rushing around in an excited frenzy to go on a walk and now he's GONE. deluge of tears.
kind of a "tail-down-day" ending.
(jag had a proud "husky" tail that drooped whenever he was having a bad day.)
but it's a realistic one.
we can't always wrap life up into perfect little packages and put happy bows on them.
that's how the first half of my year came to a close.
saying goodbye to a dear furry friend.
the past six months have been a see-saw of peaks and valleys.
ebbing and flowing.
WAVE.
yes.
a very apt word to describe and guide 2013 for me.
july through december, i'm ready to take you on.
with all of your swells, surges, and rushes as well.
what was your word of the year?
have you checked back in with it?
tell me about your mid-point status.
and, if you haven't already, please consider joining me each week via my studio notes by subscribing to my blog.
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