restless ramblings

or unknown-wilderness stuff

my husband eric and i travel differently. we usually go somewhere with the idea of potentially moving to that location.

we’ve always done this, and quite seriously too. because we’ve discovered that one of the best ways to get to know a place is to go on a real-estate-scouting expedition. on long island new york, in the european countries of portugal and france, etc. (although both our apartment in buenos aires and our villa in italy were boldly purchased sight unseen!)

anyway, we don’t just visit a place. while there, we live “as if” . . . genuinely trying to approximate what it would be like to reside there on a more permanent basis.

we’ve been to argentina five times. in 2009, 2011, 2012, 2014, and 2026. mostly spending time in its capital city, but this year exploring several provinces in patagonia as well. (on previous journeys, we’ve taken side trips to two other south american countries — paraguay in 2012 and chile in 2014.)

eric and i have owned our apartment for fifteen years, but hadn’t been back in twelve. and i’d been wondering how i’d feel about returning, after experiencing a robbery the last time. as with all very large metropolitan areas, one must always be aware. but we noticed there’s a much bigger police presence now, cops on several corners, and i felt quite comfortable walking everywhere. overall the city, which i’ve always thought to be beautiful, felt significantly safer. and cleaner too. absolutely zero dog waste on the sidewalks (which had previously been such a problem that it was even mentioned in guidebooks).

for me, this journey to argentina felt the most meaningful by far. i felt different, in the best sense. viscerally connected in ways i never had before to this third home-in-the-world of mine. and i did not want to leave.

we are currently considering buying property in patagonia. will we actually do it? we’ll see. but i realized that i revel in this process — to dream, to imagine, to create another chapter. and i know, from personal experience, that far-reaching daydreams sometimes come true (like hosting women’s retreats at my villa in tuscany).

i also know how much work (and fear and tears) go into such a life-changing decision. if we commit to yet another huge endeavor, our world-as-we-know-it would drastically change once again.

i’ve been going back and forth on this one. though i am somewhat restless by nature, i do love the rhythm of my routines and rituals. in fact i seem to, all at once, both acutely crave and sincerely dread change.

do i want to feel that intense level of uncertainty and bewilderment all over again? do i want to rely heavily on my partner for sole companionship and support during the unknown-wilderness phase of this possible venture?

i must ask myself what exactly it is i am seeking. because i want both » the thrill of a new adventure plus the comfort of perceived security.

it always seems to come down to that trite sentiment for me . . . life is short. so why the hell NOT put myself out there and dive into as much of what interests me in this human experience as i possibly can?

i have always feared complacency more than anything else. i just don’t think i’m equipped to live out the rest of my days in one stable predictable setting. i get bored. i’m always wondering what else might be out there, what i haven’t done yet, how i might be eschewing growth.

there is one thing that cannot be denied about living life on the edge of newness, and eric and i have discussed it at length. and that is how the concept of time expands when we go in search of something novel. moments during the almost-three-weeks in argentina felt as if they passed more slowly and were filled with more insight and richer meaning. we noticed the same while living in italy, navigating continuous challenges each day as we adjusted to a new language and culture. on the other hand, with the familiar day-to-day rhythm of life in the states, the regularly-scheduled calendar of our weeks and months (and years) seems to fly by ever so quickly.

we would have stayed longer this time. we’ve stayed much longer during past visits. there’s nothing standing in our way . . . we’re essentially global nomads and can work from anywhere. our sons have obviously been on their own for many years. we (sadly) don’t even have cats to get back to anymore.

and i really really wanted to stay. i kept telling eric that, after months of enduring numbness (physical/mental/emotional), i was finally feeling ALIVE!

but i had to get back for my monthly biologic injection. which, ironically, seems to have suddenly stopped working for me.

i’m dealing with extreme sinus issues again (since the 23rd of may). i guess technically it’s a samter’s triad flare-up, but i’m worried it may actually be a medication failure. my last few injections seem to have done nothing, an indication my body is getting too used to the drug, rendering it (along with so many other treatments in the past) ineffective.

so yeah, that put a huge damper on my time in argentina. unable to breathe either in or out through my nose (and still struggling), after a 3.5-year respite of blissful breathing while on nucala.

i was determined, however, to ignore and enjoy as much as possible. and i think i did that. it was the very best trip, made even more special since we got to spend so much of it with our older son. (the only things missing: a get-together with our dear argentine friends who manage our apartment for us, due to logistical issues; and of course, our younger son too.)

my sinus condition remains the same (not great) since arriving back in the states. reminding me once more that life is short and i must take decisive action while still ready and able.

maybe we should have just stayed in argentina. perhaps we will soon return. to our amazing apartment in the city, where everything we need is just a few steps away. or maybe to a new place in the desert or mountains, for that solitude and respite this extrovert often requires and relishes.

so many possibilities (one of my favorite words). so many chances to dream.

for now. while i still can.

perhaps enthusiastically grabbing onto one of those possibilities or chances makes perfect sense. sooner rather than later.

while i’m feeling so truly alive.