out of sync with my rhythm
i've been feeling "off" the past few days, weeks . . . well, months really. ever since my dad died last july and a crazy sequence of events in my personal world, coinciding with those worldwide, was set in motion. it was interesting to see, while looking back through my lockdown posts for this next installment to share, that i had been feeling much the same then. low on energy, stuck, a bit lost. out of sync with my rhythm. there have definitely been good moments in between, but there is still some heaviness hanging over me that i need to work through. and since i think of emotions as messengers, i'm allowing them the chance to tell their fluctuating stories.
so with that, a look back once again . . . march 25 (from my facebook post, lockdown in italy day 16):
feeling very weary today . . . the charts and the numbers. the armchair epidemiologists and the heated debates. the sadness and the worry.
mr. smith, at least, is very happy that i never leave the house anymore. waiting it out together. wishing for sunnier days.
march 28 (from my facebook post, lockdown in italy day 19):
wow haven’t left my home once in 41 days
today is eric’s birthday and we would both love to just go for a drive in the mountains
e. would love to take his usual run through the village for emotional health as well as physical
instead he stumbles his way through the tangled roots of the secret garden, hoping for no broken bones
today is eric’s birthday and his wife is looking disheveled no makeup wild hair always in lounge clothes
the shingles rash is better but the pain has returned back on meds with unpleasant side effects
i’ve started counting items since the grocery/farmacia runs are few 5 days of paracetamolo left 20 days of cat food fresh fruit doesn’t stay fresh long
not running out, stock still good at stores just a smidgen of anxiety now and again
i have always loved cities i don’t live in one in italy but i do live near a busy road with the autostrada close by
i know most probably wouldn’t agree but i prefer the traffic noise i lived on 5 acres in the olympic forest and loathed the quiet for 6 years
now it’s silent once again and i hate it my severed link with civilization even more evident
struggling with inertia can’t concentrate on work or classes mental neglect is happening
not complaining, just being real and sharing my honest thoughts i know we have it better than most with our big house and garden we remind each other every day
starting to go a bit stir-crazy though i adore being around people and i’m feeling trapped, helpless, afraid fragile
i think of my sons safe and well and healthy but so far far away my easy access cut off from them until . . . when will air travel between europe and the u.s. resume?
i think of the families, 919 died yesterday increasing numbers in the states too in hospitals and in homes struggling for life and failing mourning for loved ones
i cry and cry and remember why i’m staying at home
i'm usually one of the most optimistic upbeat and hopeful people i know ask anyone close to me
but today i’m just tired
tired of the isolation tired of the numbers tired of the reported anger tired of the distance between me and my sons tired of thinking about the ultimate fallout tired of the coronavirus
tired in my body, my mind, my soul just tired
today is eric’s birthday and though the sun’s warmth has returned even the mountains went into quarantine
my 2020 word of the year is rhythm i’d say it’s a bit off
