my gift to you . . .

on monday i stumbled across a gratitude journal i had kept sporadically in 1997/98. five things a day that i appreciated, written most days. i had been devouring the wisdom in sarah ban breathnach's book, thus setting out to acknowledge simple abundance in my own life.

come along with me, during this week of thanks in the united states, as i reminisce among the journal entries from that long-ago-world.     3/20/97 #1 – the ability/opportunity to sit and write, reflect, think, prioritize, understand

3/21/97 #2 – guy at rental car company did not charge us for gas, on empty and $2.96/gallon, “it’s friday and i’m in a good mood”

3/29/97 #4 – hale bopp comet (clearest ever) and short sampling of the northern lights

4/7/97 #5 – mom is okay! she does not need surgery, i am so relieved, answer to prayers – my mom is healthy

5/22/97 #2 – my job review at the hospital [adolescent mental health unit] went very well, good feedback from peers about my work with families, my eating disorders knowledge, my ability to establish rapport quickly, and my calmness in crises/chaos

5/30/97 #5 – “moment of grace” . . . i think i know what defines this phrase now, sitting at the dining room table working on the monthly budget (lots of $ available – a new feeling to me), raining hard outside / warm and cozy inside, alexander sleeping all curled up on living room sofa (and breathing nicely), cats sleeping nearby also (on purr pads), comforting feeling of total satisfaction enveloped me, grateful/thankful/amazed at all i have, my very good life, happy, a sense of utter contentment washed over me, and i just sat and experienced it, unable to do anything else . . . wow . . .

6/1/97 #5 – after alexander slammed his toe in the kitchen closet, we sat together on the floor singing songs, “you are my sunshine” and “mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird” (with our own made-up lyrics), “i just love sitting on your lap” (words that a mother melts to)

6/4/97 #1 – alexander slept through the night with no medicine all day and no coughing all night

6/24/97 #1 – EPT positive! i am pregnant!

6/29/97 #1 - told mom and dad about my pregnancy, mom called back twice (very excited), dad said "i didn't think i'd be a grandpa again"

7/15/97 #5 – eric and parents back from fly-in fishing trip, he caught the only rainbow trout (his wife’s favorite) in a stream that the guide said he hadn’t seen one in in 30 years! (my hero)

8/6/97 #2 – eric left a beautiful new watch in the place where my other watch always sits, confused at first when I went to put it on, “happy anniversary to me!”

8/14/97 #1 – saw moose in wetland in morning . . . “moose luck!” (as alexander always says), then heard BABY’S HEARTBEAT for first time later that day!

8/15/97 #1 – meeting with dr. k. to discuss plans for new eating disorders program at hospital!

9/2/97 #4 – nice dinner prepared for my family, frank sinatra singing “this is a lovely way to spend an evening”

12/2/97 #3 – alexander read his first book all by himself!

12/4/97 #5 – the digging has begun on our lot! winter picnic lunch in the trooper while watching the excavator

1/6/98 #1 - appointment went well, baby (nicholas?) moving so much his heart rate went way up, doctor and nurse laughing

1/20/98 #2 – an hour of good preschool (including growth of a fetus at various weeks – alexander’s idea!)

1/23/98 #5 – dinner out with eric and alexander, relaxing, telling eric that i love my life just how it is right now     that period wasn't always the best of times, although wonderful things did happen. like finding out i was pregnant with my second son. and finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my firstborn, who was still recovering from a frightening bout with whooping cough two years before.

but my mom was diagnosed with cancer in late 1997. the cancer that would eventually claim her life. and my friend, a doctor who was to partner with me in a new eating disorders program, died tragically in early 1998. and i was simultaneously grappling with holes in my belief system as well.

a bittersweet time facing both a much-awaited birth, as well as impending, unfathomable death.

by focusing on only the positive, the fulfilling, the good, the documented memories did not erase or eradicate the bad. they did, however, remind me of humanity's greatest gift.

HOPE.

i wish that optimistic strength for you.     * * * * * * *     also on monday i sent a free gift to everyone who regularly receives my studio notes. my very first e-book, weightless: the essence7 journey to a bold.free.new life.  

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