it's not that i'm not grateful.
okay, i’m just going to say it. i’m tired of the word GRATITUDE.
although i have been keeping a formal gratitude journal this year, writing down five things that i am thankful for each day, this isn’t really anything new for me.
i have always tried to maintain an awareness of appreciation, jotting down what i’m happy for in my life. which also serves as an awareness of any adjustments needed, what i might wish to change.
does the official practice of calling it a gratitude journal really alter or add anything?
i am grateful, oh-so-grateful, for my life. i appreciate my opportunities and my abilities. and especially my people. family, friends, clients, colleagues.
it’s not that i’m not grateful. i am. truly i am.
but it’s not as if i lead a totally passive existence either. my life is not something that simply happens to me. i create the good in my life, every single day. i enable it to happen.
sometimes it takes a long time to get to a certain destination. keeping an active role in the process helps, yet things often don't turn out exactly as we plan them.
and i still want for things i can’t have, may never have. does that make me greedy? bad? i don’t think so. though i often don’t feel comfortable amidst those who “count their blessings” or are “content with enough.”
which is why seeing this sign actually bothered me:
could this perhaps be an excuse for not striving? simply being grateful for something does NOT necessarily turn it into ENOUGH.
i read C-O-M-P-L-A-C-E-N-C-Y between the lines. that feeling of uncritical satisfaction when there could be . . . well, MORE.
people so often give up the fight, decide they’re content. even if there is still a burning yearning inside of them. they decide the struggle involved isn’t worth stoking the flame.
so they just stop going after the dream, stop tackling the tough stuff. and tell themselves they’re “grateful” and it’s "enough.”
maybe it’s just me, but not knowing if there might be more unless you explore, investigate, discover, try to find out? yeah, that would bother me.
it’s not that i’m not grateful. i am. truly i am.
and i appreciate others showing their gratefulness. noticing and smiling and thanking and not complaining. i do. really i do.
but, you know, there are some not-so-great things in my life too. stuff i don’t share on my facebook page. because how would that uplift or inspire anyone? including me?
so when times are not perfect, all five daily entries in my gratitude journal may say “i’m alive.” then i ask myself what's going on and why, and try to lift myself out of the gloom.
my point is this. don't settle. for so-so or for disappointing.
make a heroic effort, aim high, exert yourself. endeavor to stay focused, aspire to greatness.
and now a few (okay, several) of my favorite 2015 today-i-am-grateful-for thoughts. please note this is only a random sampling. because, of course, i love them all. (that’s why i wrote them down!)
from january: • italian manor house plotting • snow snow snow (pretty) • nicholas hanging his photographs for saturday's art debut! • 1:1 session with client (energizes me) • cocoa-dusted macadamia nuts
from february: • SUN (after several gloomy days) • weekly coffee date with carol, on same track with idea • nicholas 17yo, such a good kid • chef at teppanyaki table • wonderful wonderful talk with eric
from march: • facebook messaging with mary (deep stuff) • luggage arrived intact • new portuguese friends • alexander and nicholas playing music together at coffee shop • nice man at u.s. immigration
from april: • guest blog post done, turned in • my bio up on new collaborative website (wow!) • outfit i threw together from my closet • laziness (go with it) • alexander’s percussion tapping to live band
from may: • nicholas’s new project (musical pipes) • pearls restrung • mattress at airbnb rental • long day all to self • imagining my retreat
from june: • morning routine on deck with coffee • triple crown winner “american pharaoh” • gregory hines tap video • art therapy exploration • new caribbean blue purse (my summer color)
from july: • sense of peace • early a.m. selfies with mr. smith • not allergic to bee sting • alexander $$ from street tapping • i made french dip (yum!)
from august: • crazy loud wild turkey on sidewalk • alexander acting! singing! tap dancing! • my creative mastermind group • women on my e-course waiting list! • villa magnolia offer accepted!! all-day giddiness!!
from september: • crepes, new friend lana • nicholas's transcript and senior year plan • photos and hugs with ivana and family • leonardo 4yo "falling in love" with me • first glimpse of villa magnolia in the dark, tears
from october: • “friends” reruns • texting with kellee (best friends, trust) • house is clean, everyone helped • sushi late lunch • dad and his grandsons singing “danny boy”
from november: • crockpot chili • e-course writing, editing, research • dancing to taylor swift 1989 songs • refusing to allow someone else to make me feel guilty • eric and boys
i think the biggest gift my gratitude journal brings me is a chance to look back at an exceptional year. with more goodness to come in december.
it’s not that i’m not grateful. i am. truly i am.
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