i'm scared. but that's okay.
i’m scared. but that’s okay.
i am moving to italy next year. romantic, chaotic, gritty, colorful italy.
quite a combination of childhood-plus-adulthood dreams coming true.
i am excited beyond belief. amazed at how it is all, after several years of deliberate devising, coming together smoothly in the end.
and yet . . . when i pause to take an honest look within . . . in between the giddiness and the planning, it literally feels as if this big old world is about to swallow me up.
little me in the grand scheme of the universe, dropped into an italian village to fend for myself. where i can’t even speak the language yet. a bit overwhelming.
i am sure to discover how ignorant i am, but i’m determined. i will most certainly be exhausted by the work involved, but i’m enthusiastic. i will not relish the upcoming goodbyes to loyal loved ones, but i'm true-blue. i am definitely apprehensive about what lies ahead, but i'm gutsy. i’m scared. but that’s okay.
in our striving for wholeness, we forget it’s one step forward, one step back. boldly stepping into the unknown. constantly. continuously.
we are overcome with optimism, then defeated by doubt or despair.
forward, back. forward, back. transparencies, complexities. assurances, uncertainties. the dance of life. i’m scared, but that’s okay.
because this is a happy, anticipatory kind of fear. that particular mixture of adventure and risk that makes one sparkle.
perspective is necessary.
this kind of fear is healthy, a reminder that we’re alive. it’s different from what i call real fear.
real fear grips you by the shoulders in the middle of the night, and yanks your body upright.
real fear greets you in the morning, the ugly pall that settles over you after that first expectant breath of hope.
real fear is the fear i recall when my toddler was so very very ill, i didn’t think he would make it through the night.
real fear is the fear I remember when i first heard my mom’s diagnosis, the cancer that eventually took her far away from me.
that is real fear. fear that chokes you up inside and leaves a painful heaviness in your heart.
fear of destitution, a dissolved marriage, deployment, death of a spouse.
this italian move? by comparison, a piece of cake.
reality can sometimes be utterly unbearable. and is often unquestionably uncomfortable.
we can (and need to) influence the process, whenever and wherever we can.
by choosing our attitude. by choosing our response. by choosing our bravery. by choosing our strength. “run from what’s comfortable. forget safety. live where you fear to live.” (rumi) i’m scared. but that’s okay.
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