i decide

i’ve created vision boards for many years, and i typically have ideas in mind before i begin. images of what i would like to see happening in my life, the i-have-a-clear-focus technique. i then intentionally seek ways to represent those aspirations as i complete the board (with a few unexpected surprises here and there). another approach, of course, is to go in with a blank slate, responding as things hit you, catch your eye and your imagination. the looser i'll-know-it-when-i-see-it technique. since the pandemic has drastically altered, at least for now, what i wish to continue offering to the world (self-exploration retreats for women at my home in tuscany), this was the method i used in mid-january when i first attempted to create my 2021 vision board.

and, i admit it. i felt a bit thrown. it’s just not my style. i’ve always had a vision in mind of how i would like my life events to unfold, whether or not things eventually turn out that way (and they often do not). i've been tucked away at winterchase in the u.s. for almost three months now. three months away from my alter-ego life in italy, at villa magnolia.

but then i remembered something. something important, something i tell my clients often. i am the composer of my own life, and i decide how to arrange it. no matter how interfering outside circumstances become, no matter how precarious and out-of-control my hold might feel.     january 26: this isn't quite right yet. it's not complete, i can feel it. maybe it's not even right at all. maybe there will be a do-over. i'm not sure. but as i continue to explore my emotions, my thoughts, my ideas, my yearnings, my regrets, my cancelled plans, my possible options ... i will revise and adjust accordingly.

creating my 2021 vision board has been super difficult for me. (at this point, it isn't really a vision board at all, but more like a disappointment board!) for the first time in years, i've been feeling as if i have no vision. which, for me, equates to/feels exactly like NO PURPOSE.

"whatever it was, it left an echo of sweetness behind." (catherine coulter) this is the way i've been viewing my world lately ... with only echoes of sweetness.

i've been feeling very displaced (not sure where "home" is and unable to plan), i can't offer any retreats for the foreseeable future (truly my reason for being), my asthma/sinus issues are relentless (still unable to breathe freely or sleep well even after going to the doctor again), i miss mr. smith (with as much fierceness as i've grieved humans), the personal family issue (that i've hinted at since arriving in the states) remains unresolved.

D R A F T

    february 7: i sat down and worked on my vision board again. i had placed items on both sides of the board (a first for me) and i realized one side felt gloomier, while the other seemed more hopeful. i decided to go further with that theme ... what i'm feeling right now (discouragement, bewilderment, uncertainty, and detachment) on one side and the beginnings of a true vision (optimism, flexibility, perspective, and grit) on the other. and suddenly i had a new awareness and appreciation for the process itself. i desperately needed to work through my conflicting thoughts and feelings - all of the gloom and melancholy i'd been experiencing - by first acknowledging just how lost i was feeling. i'd already voiced some of that confusion (as many of you know). but seeing my angst on paper, in this clearly visual way, allowed me to finally break through and begin taking the necessary steps (however fragile) of moving on. side A, like it or not, is my reality board. only by recognizing (and honoring) this transitional in-limbo wintering state i find myself in, could i begin to imagine and dream about the future (side B, my actual vision board).

F I N A L

    do i have it all figured out? no, of course not. there are still so many unknowns. i do not know when i will return to italy. i do not know when traveling-for-pleasure will once again open up. i do not know how all of this will affect my boutique-retreat business model.

but i feel more excited now. i feel more hopeful, more certain, that something similar will be in my future. it may not look the same at all, but i know it will be good. and i'll make sure that it is magical.

i am the composer of my own life, and i decide how to arrange it.

though i may not have a firm grasp on what the next year or so has in store for me, i am still holding on, however wobbly the grip may feel. just knowing that i refuse to surrender my dreams (ever, no matter what) makes me feel more like april again.

and i've missed her.         tweet