dreams and transitions
after a long night, lying wide awake, worrying, tossing and turning, i was happy to see the sun.* "behind the pleasure and fresh beauty of sunrise, i detect an old and primitive response: the day has come again, no dark god swallowed it during the night." ~frances mayes my days and nights are full to overflowing at the moment. because, you see, my world-as-i-know-it is changing. the first of the bittersweet transitions unfolds on friday. my older son is moving to hollywood that day. to pursue his long-held and ardently-worked-for dream. and as i prepare to say the first of the two most tearful goodbyes, my year of transitions will officially begin. still so many uncertainties, lots of logistical hoops to jump through. between now and september . . . only five months remain. completing and readying my new e-course. reframing and redefining my business. helping my dad with day-to-day stuff and doctor appointments. starting qi gong teacher training. struggling to learn italian so i'll be able to make a few new friends. and continuing the process of letting go, awaiting my younger son's departure as well. for he too will leave to follow his dreams. oh, and thinking about packing and moving my stuff (and myself). wildly swinging, bittersweet, vulnerable emotions. lots of tears the past few days. realizing how the things that are shall never be as they once were. (and feeling as if i literally can't breathe at times.) i've been experiencing lower back pain for several months. i finally went to the doctor, tried physical therapy, even received a wonderfully ergonomic new desk chair as a gift. all of these things helped, yet the pain persists. the only remedy that seems to help (while i'm doing it) is my daily qi gong practice. until this week, i hadn't been outwardly showing too many signs of overwhelm. could it be that i've been using my lower back as a container for the stress? whenever i'm scared or anxious, i tend to resort to shallow breathing. even holding my breath. so . . . 1) i need to remember to B-R-E-A-T-H-E. big long deep cleansing breaths that zap the stress right out of my spine. and . . . 2) i need to Face Every Awesome Responsibility Stoutly. (my acronym for F.E.A.R.S.) fear of moving to another country. fear of leaving my boys in this one. fear of putting my cats on a long arduous plane ride to europe. fear of not being able to communicate with my new neighbors. fear of something more seriously wrong with my back/health. fear of saying goodbye to my dad, family, and close friends. fear of all the hard work involved in readying the villa. fear of the vast and frightening unknown. anyway, that's it. that's all i have to do. face the fears. and breathe. (wish me luck.) for the past 7 months or so, as many of you can attest to, i've been talking about my upcoming italian journey. a dream come true, the culmination of a long journey. but it remains a tangled dream. i’m extremely excited, but i’m afraid as well. i just keep telling myself to DO IT anyway. to DO IT in spite of the unknowns, in spite of my apprehensions. because i have dreamed before. i've fulfilled those dreams, and i have dreamed again. the key for me is to appreciate the present while continuing to stretch the limits. there is still much i intend to do, still much i wish to seize out of life. and the fact that i'm not finished yet makes me feel deliciously alive. what fears are you willing to push away in order to reach your dream? accept this gentle nudge to DO IT. despite your reluctance. take the time to create and nurture your dream. this gesture of self-care, this affirmation of personal worth, is important. it's a tangible symbol of putting yourself first, of determining your own future. it proves you are worthy of fully living your dream life. dream = aspiration, goal, aim. vision, purpose, desire. future possibility. transition = movement, progression, growth. evolution, passage, transformation. turning point.
and now, as the bonds of my nuclear family of four stretch and grow and readjust, it's time for me to gently grieve the changes, wish my boys well, and spend time in the healing sun. *apparently there's an old english word, uhtceare, which means "lying awake before dawn and worrying." *******
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THE ARRIVAL
Retreat no more.
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THE ARRIVAL: the quintessential essence7 journey
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