visceral expressive journaling, that’s what
i’m calling it, this freewriting technique
i’m deconstructing / reimagining

it’s the best way i’ve found to get in
touch with my most honest emotions,
feeling my way through my writing

not flowery or overly descriptive, just
a very light touch, going with the
flow, that first true response

urgent, immediate, acute
simplicity has impact and will
reveal all i need to know

emotionally-immersed reactions
powerful words that convey my truth
emphasizing what’s crucial

hard to ignore or control
difficult to create hypothetically
what i’m feeling deep within my skin

following instinct rather than rules
meandering, without knowing my final
destination, self-judgment surrendered

trusting my own voice and process
writing one word and then another
continuing to write, discovering a trail

the wild horses of my inner life, raw
details that complement and accentuate
the vivid chapters of my story

places i’ve lived
places i’ve worked
places i’ve traveled

people i’ve encountered
people i’ve befriended
people i’ve loved

replaying
reflecting
reviving

reminiscing
regretting
recovering

rehashing
relating
rebuilding

realizing
relishing
renewing

we don’t act first
we don’t speak first
we don’t even think first

we initially experience
a purely visceral response
an intuitive surge

that evokes a sudden intense
reaction, deep in the gut
an involuntary rush

elemental expressions
crude but strong
it’s imperative that we listen

i’m from a small mining town where everybody knew everybody, and my italian-rooted last name was instantly recognized.

i’m from an idyllic collegiate season on a university campus, not far from home but eye-openingly-far from all that i once knew.

i’m from a brief stint here and a short stay there, across all of one state and into a third (one dreamy california summer), then back to my original turf for moments-at-a-time, at different intervals along the way.

i’m from a bold trek to the 49th state, an introduction to what real snow feels like, spending such precious time with two boys as they grew and grew and grew over our 12 years there.

i’m from that liminal void of reeling-and-reacting in fog and anger after losing my mom, who was also my best friend.

i’m from yet another spot in the lower 48, a place i never once belonged, a dark place where i clashed and cried.

i’m from a return to my hometown and a grownup relationship with my aging dad, amongst lifelong friends at our winterchase home base, around much laughter and joy, but also fresh worries and some indecisiveness.

i’m from journeys i’ve taken, near and far, good and bad, literal and metaphorical, catalysts encountered, challenges faced, insights gained.

i’m from an unparalleled four-year adventure in a foreign country, communicating at the simplest level with an unfamiliar language, working my hardest to renovate our once-uninhabitable now-beautiful italian villa, realizing my long-held dream to guide others in awakening their essence, finding forever friends in that distant land.

i’m from that surreal space of starting over back in the states after a worldwide pandemic, shocking re-entry grief all mixed up with the loss of a feline superstar and the ensuing global upset with its altered perspectives.

i’m from a historic pink project that saved my sanity but didn’t quite quell that inborn restlessness in me, a bit like coming home but with a new cast of characters.

i’m from knowing that home is something we hold within, and realizing i’ve known that all along, in every apartment and dorm and house and hotel, in every stage of life from childhood playhouse imaginator to awkward back-brace-wearing salutatorian to suddenly-kinda-cool university student to young in-love bride to mother-of-sons-i’m-so-proud-of to empty-nester to struggling-with-getting-older 63-year-old woman.

i am from all of these places, all these layers of myself. and i have always, always, been home.

every once in a while i embark upon a little rhythm realignment to get myself back on track, feel more like me. after wallowing in the doldrums or following an illness or just being lazy — when i finally make the decision to stop watching my life drift by and take control of it again.

i always know i must proceed gently. take good care of myself and take small steps. otherwise i quickly find excuses, ignore my lists, burn out. so i add things to my schedule a little at a time, until everything starts to feel like a well-coordinated machine once more.

i usually end up getting a lot done, with some wonderful self-care thrown in. and doing it in this carefully-paced way doesn’t make it feel overwhelming or difficult. because with each small step, i create and gain momentum. and then maintaining that momentum doesn’t feel out of my reach moving forward.

sono le piccole cose che fanno una grande differenza. it’s the little things that make a big difference.

in 2020, when the world seemed even crazier than usual, i devised a seven-day 𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗨𝗠 𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗖𝗞 — a reset boost that i can (and do!) return to whenever i think i need it.

that time is now. perhaps you can join me too over the next seven days . . .

𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗨𝗠 𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗖𝗞 / 𝗗𝗔𝗬 𝟭 >> we just need to BEGIN. wherever there is motion, there is momentum, and we can easily begin the process. of course, there will be obstacles, things that get in the way of our wheels turning efficiently. simply be aware. notice and adjust. forgive and restart.

𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗨𝗠 𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗖𝗞 / 𝗗𝗔𝗬 𝟮 >>

• do something every day, no matter how small (you don’t have an hour? spend 10 minutes only then)

• celebrate your progress (i love doing this)

• focus on what you’ve already done (not on what’s left to do)

• keep a “did it” list (so motivating!)

• remember you are GOING places . . .

“new habits and a new mindset will require a personal explosion.” (mel robbins)

𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗨𝗠 𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗖𝗞 / 𝗗𝗔𝗬 𝟯 >>

two things to ask yourself today . . .

1. do you know where you want to go?

instead of reacting to life, we must deliberately LIVE life.

2. do you know what might interfere with your energetic momentum, like procrastination or negative self-talk?

identify the culprits, and safeguard against them.

piano piano, passo dopo passo, andiamo avanti. slowly slowly, step by step, we go forward.

𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗨𝗠 𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗖𝗞 / 𝗗𝗔𝗬 𝟰 >>

there are moments in time that bring with them a startling shift in perspective. allowing sudden clarity to our perceptions, pointing us in the north-star direction of our dreams. truly a touch of bliss.

but these lightning-strike moments can only occur if we remain open to all opportunities . . . if we recognize them when they arrive to invite us, if we acknowledge their potential for dazzling power and enchanting strength.

how? you may ask. by first figuring out what fulfills you, what gives your life purpose and meaning. by truly getting to know and understand your WHY.

𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗨𝗠 𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗖𝗞 / 𝗗𝗔𝗬 𝟱 >>

reality = exquisite beauty plus inevitable trash

sometimes we feel down, off, troubled, anxious, lonely, depressed, ill. we all know this, we’ve all experienced this. but the truth is that certain segments of our lives just can’t be upbeat and positive. it’s the nature of life, and we do what we can to roll with the ebb-and-flow pattern. when things are feeling wonderful and good, i take extra special care to seize that emotion and experience it fully (with all its possible ripple effects). and when things aren’t so great, i try to act gently with myself and not let things spiral beyond their borders. remembering it’s a season. not fun, not pleasant. but time will move on, things will get done, and i will feel better again. happier days are always ahead, and smiles will return to light up our faces and entire beings.

think better. get better. do better. be better.

RESILIENCE.

𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗨𝗠 𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗖𝗞 / 𝗗𝗔𝗬 𝟲 >>

• always find the lesson

• seek self-awareness

• take wise risks

• keep learning, keep growing, keep BREATHING

𝗙𝗜𝗡𝗔𝗟 𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗨𝗠 𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗖𝗞 / 𝗗𝗔𝗬 𝟳 >>

how do i maintain my own momentum?

• i write

• i practice qigong

• i look for INSPIRATION

and one huge way i seek inspiration is through the many many photos that i take. favorite captured moments, almost every day. engaging color, content, and energy that simply elevate me.

embedded within a beautiful (AI) description of the art of tango, i embraced these words with their familiar life metaphor » rhythm gives you the safety to trust the next step; momentum gives you the courage to take it.

today we’ll take a look at the fourth and final step » patterns.

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self-awareness is a way to rediscover who you are by unveiling your perceptions, beliefs, and motivations (many of which may be outdated, no longer useful, perhaps even incorrect).

anxiety and uncertainty may arise, even resistance at first, when you explore letting go of your previously unexamined assumptions and patterns while reclaiming your essence through mindfulness. although this experimentation can sometimes feel overwhelming, i guarantee it will increase your emotional flexibility.

you can begin by answering such questions as:

• “why do i do that?”

• “what is this doing for me?”

• “how is that serving me?”

being ultra-aware of what triggers or stimulates you translates into being a happier and healthier individual, one who makes decisions consciously and highlights mindful choice in every situation. once you’ve developed this new routine, really familiarized yourself with it, you’ll be better able to handle any subsequent turbulence on your journey to a bold free new life. awareness opens the door to change.

maybe you can try this mantra on for size: “i will stay fully engaged in my surroundings. i will live each moment with wonder. i will be open to new experiences, even when it feels uncomfortable. i will embrace the unknown and incorporate it into my framework.”

S-T-R-E-T-C-H your L-I-F-E. make it better. make it matter.

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today’s invitation . . . when you become more aware of your patterns, you put one foot forward and face your reality. and at the beginning of your journey, that’s enough. so fasten your seat belt, trust yourself, and get ready to take off!

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activity #1-4: S.T.O.P.

here is a 12-step method that i developed many years ago, designed to disarm any highly emotional episode that may interfere with or derail your progress.

‌S

1. SELF-CARE
soothe yourself in healthy ways

2. STILLNESS
breathe to retain inner calm

3. STRENGTHS
identify the various ways you’ve been strong in the past

T

4. THOUGHTS
reframe self-defeating beliefs into self-affirming ones

5. TRUTH
adhere to an honest and realistic view of your circumstances

6. TRUST
rely on your integrity and ability to see you through

O

7. OBSERVATION
notice details and nuances, strive for mindful awareness

8. OPENNESS
attend to your inner feelings without judgment

9. OWNERSHIP
become the master of your thoughts, actions, life

P

10. POTENTIAL
allow solutions to develop, imagine what is possible

11. PROGRESS
initiate the necessary next steps, recognize and reward small successes

12. PRODUCTIVITY
encourage forward movement and resolution

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i’ve personally used this method, and have also shared it with many clients. it works.

so the next time you’re confronted with a stressful event? simply S.T.O.P.

work through the 12 steps in your mind or on paper. defuse the difficulty and regain your momentum, creating new patterns.

again:

S = Self-care. Stillness. Strengths.
T = Thoughts. Truth. Trust.
O = Observation. Openness. Ownership.
P = Potential. Progress. Productivity.

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curiosity. observation. possibility. patterns.

this week i’d like to share the third step with you » possibility.

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a heightened awareness is crucial in order to learn, in order to be challenged. if we make a conscious choice to pay attention and to heed emerging lessons, we not only enrich our lives but can usually transform them as well.

i’m definitely guilty of closing my eyes and missing important messages at times, even when they’ve been carefully laid out in my path. sometimes entire days escape me, when i move forward with my daily intentions as if in a fog, my mind closed to new ideas and new perceptions.

how about you? does any of this sound familiar to you? how can we safeguard against this shadow?

have you heard the phrase in his (or her) element? i’ve used it to describe a karelian bear dog I once had, who was never happier than when he was shepherding and escorting moose and bears off of our property in alaska.

this phrase also comes to mind when i think of a certain family member who has always been happiest when outdoors. even at an early age, he marveled with delight at the natural world around him and became an accomplished landscape photographer. he’s always been in his element when surrounded by nature — viewing each scene with an awed sense of wonder, grateful to witness its incredible beauty, epitomizing awareness.

how can you sharpen your consciousness to this level, open yourself up to this deeper meaning?

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today’s invitation . . . take a look at your passport-to-awareness journal that was suggested last week. when you were observing the world around you and recording your experiences, did any one thing stand out for you? does it make you light up when you think about it now? start with that one item. think about what makes it special for you. figure out how you can do or see more of it. expand on it in creative directions you hadn’t thought about before. begin incorporating more and more of it into the daily threads of your life. and be ready and willing to listen to the answers that are already there, waiting, as you become more attuned to your surroundings and your thoughts. cradle each possibility.

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activity #1-3: 5 in 5

amidst the busyness of life, do you enjoy what you experience?

live in the moment. be present.

we’ve all heard these phrases, but we rarely – if ever – take the time to put them into practice. today try to fully appreciate just five minutes of something, while incorporating all five of your senses.

instead of thinking about the next task on your list that needs to be done, marvel in the wonder of what’s in front of you at this instant.

are you sleepwalking through your morning meal? be aware of the physical motions as your hand guides the egg whip. listen to the reassuring beat against the side of the bowl. be fascinated with the way the ingredients blend together to create the finished product. take in the aromas that swirl through the air, and relish the first morsel on your tongue. fully engage while you eat what you’ve lovingly prepared. notice tastes and textures with each flavorful bite. eat slowly, and savor the experience. be cognizant of the moment you feel satisfyingly full, and put your fork down.

begin to concentrate less on how overwhelming your day may be, and start acknowledging its surprisingly unique and individual components.

what might you notice when you drive to work or go on an errand run? perhaps the savory taste of the air and the fragrance of the season as you unlock your car, the feel of the powerful machine in your hands, the scenery that usually goes unnoticed, the harmony of the hustle and bustle unfolding around you. maybe you could discover something uniquely interesting by traveling a new route today, actively seeing out the unfamiliar.

delight in the new discoveries of familiar daily scenes. give your story full attention and it will reveal clues to the previously unknown, and also cues to never stop learning and reaching and growing.

five senses in five minutes.

by putting more effort into living your life in this way, you can begin to shift your reactions, your responses, your attitudes. you will gain a new sense of being in charge, of having purpose and meaning.

animate your existence. 5 in 5.

curiosity. observation. possibility. patterns.

this week i’d like to share the second step with you » observation.

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physical and psychological homeostasis is the tendency of the body to maintain a condition of equilibrium within, even when faced with changes without.

we are constantly trying to maintain a balance between homeostasis and growth. if we cling to the idea that things must never change, it can lead to stagnation. yet if we swing too far in the opposite direction and introduce too much change at once, it can throw our lives out of kilter, as our body and mind try desperately to adapt and put everything back in balance once again.

so what’s the answer? how do we loosen our grip on the illusion of permanence while still maintaining our psychological equilibrium, our inner core homeostasis, our balance?

first, we accept that change is inevitable. things will change whether or not we are mentally on board for the ride. therefore we must think carefully about each response, realizing that we always have that important and necessary, that demanding yet freeing, ability to choose.

yes, you always have a choice about the way you respond.

let’s revisit our flight analogy . . .

you’re about to board the airplane. do you want to be left at the gate? no. do you want to be outside the plane hanging onto the wing while in flight? definitely not. but what if you were in a comfortable cabin seat inside, as secure as it is possible to be under the circumstances, yet fully aware of the unknowns ahead of you?

it is wise to take precautions by fastening our seat belts and listening to the safety guidelines. but at some point, we must trust that risk-taking is not only an exhilarating way to travel through life, it is mandatory for meaningful survival.

we must pay attention to the clues around us and not miss the opportunities as they arise. there are many times when we have our eyes closed to the immense possibilities and we miss out. being fully aware means acknowledging the dance between homeostasis and creative growth, and acting on it when it is most important to do so.

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“awareness is like the sun. when it shines on things, they are transformed.” (thich nhat hanh)

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today’s invitation . . . consider this. awareness sometimes takes us to places we’re not eager to go. keep reminding yourself how brave and resourceful and strong you are. it may feel safer to leave your metaphorical suitcase unpacked and cancel your reservations for continued adventure. but remaining in a falsely blissful state of dimmed awareness rarely results in satisfaction. since we can only impact what we are aware of, go gently forth, invoking curiosity in all you see and hear and do. relax into your new observation investigation, knowing there will be no judgment — only new vistas.

activity #1-2: passport-to-awareness journal

as your journey begins, it is important to capture your observations. the best way to do so is in a beautiful journal that not only represents your sense of style and organization, but calls to you each day and becomes a treasured friend. if you don’t already have one on hand, please treat yourself at the earliest opportunity. In the meantime, paper and pen will do nicely. (and yes, i am suggesting the old-fashioned method instead of an electronic device. i want this process to be intimate, tangible, magical.)

what has life been asking you to notice? everything and anything might be interesting. write it down. with enough awareness, you can begin to recognize and realize the message intended just for you. it takes time for this activity to be truly meaningful. it may even be a bit painful, when it brings up exactly what you’ve been trying hard to avoid. but writing things down helps make them real. when your issues are directly in front of you in black and white, you are more apt to face them head-on. you can no longer pretend that they don’t exist. the passport-to-awareness journal is for your eyes only, so be honest. there is no need for judgment from anyone, including perhaps your biggest critic (yourself).

try to write in your journal every day, and at the end of each week identify and explore any themes that might be emerging. see where one thing naturally leads to another in the pages you have written. start incorporating what you have learned into daily rituals moving forward. these are all simple actions. but when merged together and taken seriously, they become possible stepping stones to even bigger revelations that are waiting for you ahead.

women journeying far beyond their preconceived limits. women taking risks worth taking. women joyfully and magically reuniting with their true essence.

THE ARRIVAL’s 7 essential elements include:
1. AWARENESS
2. MOVEMENT
3. NOURISHMENT
4. VOICE
5. ZEST
6. GRIT
7. UNTETHERED INTEGRATION

for me, it all begins with the AWARENESS assignment, with taking mindful steps. curiosity. observation. possibility. patterns.

over the next few weeks, i’d like to share these four steps with you, and offer both an invitation and an activity with each. this week we’ll dive into curiosity.

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you are already at your starting point, your point of origin, prepared to check in. it’s early, and you’re feeling a bit weary, not quite ready to face the pilgrimage ahead of you. but there will be no more retreating. the time has come to embrace your journey.

to open your eyes wide, truly waking up. to see for the first time what you may not have been looking for. hear what you haven’t taken the time to listen for. taste what you’ve been too afraid to sample. feel what you’ve only briefly touched before. and yes, to stop and smell the roses.

it’s time to plan your journey’s itinerary, deciding where you want to go and what your trip will entail. and as you focus on and pay attention to the details, you’ll realize that it all begins with awareness.

what do I mean by awareness? you know some of the dictionary definitions: consciousness, alertness, a well-informed and attentive state, knowledge of a situation, perception.

i think of awareness as approaching everything with nonjudgmental curiosity. looking at yourself and your life in a new way, in a delicious and engaging manner. this introspective journey begins by first taking stock of where you are at this very moment, and continues by remaining open to unexpected surprises along the way. staying curious and invested in one’s own life is the catalyst to new discoveries. about oneself, about the world. curiosity is crucial to an enriched existence.

because awareness cannot help but lead to insight. it’s a necessary element for paying attention, for deep questioning, for attitude adjustment, for kick-starting your life. notice the amazing and think about the wonderful, and you soon see more of both.

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“what we pay attention to thrives.”
(karen maezen miller)

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awareness is being fully alive, awake to the world around you. when you are truly aware, you become an explorer seeking novelty in your everyday existence.

committing to essential element #1 — the AWARENESS assignment — is exciting and interesting in a gung-ho kind of way . . . expanding your senses to truly breathe in what you’ve never considered before. noticing your surroundings and your experiences with wonder.

today’s invitation . . . it is time. to invite heightened awareness into your life by practicing curiosity. look at the world around you through a different lens, as a photographer might view his subject. open yourself up to all possibilities, simply observing what is happening close to you. approach everyday occurrences and objects in unexpected ways. be fully aware of your senses in each moment. identify vivid colors, revel in joyful laughter, taste rich dark chocolate, stroke a soft kitten, inhale the scent of an exotic perfume.

activity #1-1: breathing meditation

okay. first relax your shoulders, and begin to let go of the tension you are feeling in your body. inhale through your nose, one long deep calming breath. hold it for a few seconds, then release the breath in a long cleansing exhale through your mouth. again. inhale. then exhale. and one more time. inhale. and exhale.

let your breathing return to its normal rhythm and pace, as you begin to notice the thoughts that are swirling around in your head. let them flow in and clear out, flow in and clear out, not consciously trying to hang onto any of them. acknowledge where your mind naturally wanders, then start to free the brain chaos that you carry around with you all day long. withhold self-criticism. allow the breath to remove all feelings of imperfection. notice any automatic responses or judgments that you form, then let them go. this meditation is for you to leave the past behind, to focus on yourself, here and now.

return to your breathing and concentrate on each inhale and exhale. once, twice, three times. feel your mind expanding with each breath as you connect to the present moment. as you engage in this deep breathing exercise, as the air enters and exits your lungs, allow a renewed sense of well-being to fill you up.

let yourself unwind and feel at ease. let this experience open you. accept whatever soothing message it brings. maybe it’s exactly what you need at this moment.

and as you go about your day — in your personal care, in your work, in your dealings with others, in your leisurely pursuits — remember this calming influence.

and let your mind be curious.

i’m striving to be a maven
of reflection, an emerging
expert in the way i personally
shape ideas and thoughts

studying my mental patterns
exploring with interest the
inner workings of my mind
deciphering concepts within

forever gathering insights
collecting moments of
introspection, feeling my
feelings and seeking clarity

of course an evocative
espionage of my soul
has to always occur first, in
that fragile hidden space

excavating guarded shadows
and secrets dark and foreign
muted whispers that reveal
my exclusive truest essence

a tangled untamed place at times
vulnerable, rarely welcoming
often hostile and difficult but
oh-so-necessary to grow

through a rusted-shut doorway
only opening with much coaxing
greeting buried and uncomfortable
long-neglected pieces of self

the hinges creaking with
resistance, fear, wariness
somewhat soothed, like squirts
of oil, by quiet calming words

and finally a brave new beginning
a fresh coat of boldly-colored
paint, awareness and acceptance
stunning enlightenment as well

embracing all that i am, even
the messy imperfect parts
then awaiting the arrival of
that gift, wholeness promised

you know, it’s really hard to lose your parents.

one parent, and the earth totally shifts.

both, and the world you’ve known since birth no longer exists.

i was fortunate that i had my best-friend-mom through most of my 30s. but i still felt forever robbed that i’d have to spend the rest of my life without her. and i find it so sad that she didn’t get to see my sons grow up, or know her grandsons as adults.

then 17 years later, in my mid-50s, i lost my dad too. the dad i’d become closer-and-closer-to while living just a few blocks from each other for three years. the dad who never failed to crack me up, even when i was feeling my worst.

suddenly i was an old-lady orphan.

i’ve tried to imagine what it must feel like for a kid to live without that foundation, that strong parental support. through either early death or abandonment, maybe never once having met who brought you into the world.

and i can’t. not really. because it’s such a polar-opposite experience from my own. i was so fortunate. i truly had the best. and i miss them every single day.

i yearn to hear their voices again. their laughter. to feel their presence.

the winters of my grief sneak up on me without warning. even 7 (or 24) years later. even in summer. a song, a scene, even a certain sensation. maybe just a glance that seems familiar.

or waving goodbye until the car has completely turned the corner of cathryn avenue, and is totally out of sight.

i miss them.
i miss them.
i miss them.

but what a lucky lucky girl i was.

sometimes . . . words aren’t necessary
it’s the experience only that matters

sometimes . . . for renewal and strength
visiting a bison range is all it takes

the encounter « eric’s video (sound on!)

this is part 2 of 2, yes. but this chapter of my story will most likely never conclude.

maps and a handy travel diary. apparently that’s what it takes to know “all about going abroad.” until you decide, of course, to actually move there. for four years. and then start going back and forth. encountering situations that maps and a travel diary can’t quite cover.

i attempted to describe it two weeks ago, in part 1 — how it felt to be suspended inside an undulating lava lamp. a vivid metaphor for the constant shifting and blending of my emotional journey that i tried so valiantly to contain within its vessel (me). a fluidly dreamlike process, eerily similar to watching a lava lamp change shape right in front of you. a perfect way to describe how strong emotions tend to rise and fall, even morph into different blurry forms. as i struggled to assimilate to my new country, trying desperately to understand the unfamiliar dance with my surroundings.

when i returned to the united states, i thought it would be a piece of cake to just ease back in, after what i’d already experienced living in a foreign country. so imagine my surprise when i reacted with such deep feelings. at times i felt almost detached from my own body, like i was watching myself in a movie, numbly viewing life-as-usual unfold. (i am fully aware there is a clinical term for this state, dissociation. i can even pinpoint a couple of distinct moments in my life when it has occurred, this being one of them. my acknowledgement and acceptance — along with certain grounding exercises — helped me cope and move beyond.)

migratory grief is real. and confusing. and common. and overwhelming. it is normal to mourn the country you’ve left, even if you’re happy in the country in which you live. over time i’ve created a kind of fusion of rituals, uniquely blending traditions. i’ll always feel like my heart is split between two locations though » in the united states (especially with my sons), but also in italy. with lots of love for argentina mixed in as well.

and is repatriation/re-entry the precise term if you still own a residence in each place? i’m not sure what to even call my situation at this point. argentina immediately felt like home again when we stepped into our apartment in buenos aires, even though it had been a long time since we’d been there.

i guess that’s why all these feelings seem so very muddled right now. am i ever truly at home ANYWHERE? most who know me would probably agree that i’m pretty much the same person wherever i am. of course, by necessity, i’ve had to shift and adjust in different settings, to different cultures. but i’ve stayed true to my essence, never pretending i was ever someone i’m not.

as i’ve mentioned many times through the years, i am always arriving (the foundation upon which my retreats have been built). i honestly don’t think a person ever fully arrives. but i know that dreams along the way can absolutely be realized.

an interesting dichotomy seems to guide my life. hanging out somewhere between convenience + familiarity (accompanied by that passive stagnation i so consciously avoid) and frustration + bewilderment (which often creates that dynamic growth i seem to crave). advantages to both, disadvantages to both. we don’t want our days to become boring and dull, but neither do we wish to encounter difficulties on a daily basis. i’ve more than once chosen the latter, which can be a challenging space to live in. and i’m thinking about choosing that path again.

this doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate an easier less-messy existence at times. but that never seems to fulfill or complete me long-term. i prefer a mixture of contentment and thrill, routine and adventure. and i do eventually find that new balance, that newly-comforting rhythm. my perfect zone. (until i decide to do it all over again!)

think about it. you enter this world at the beginning and you exit it at the end. there’s no getting around that fact. you are born, boldly stepping into this brand-new expedition, with no idea what might await you — the people and places you will encounter, the chapters you will write. and then you leave it, bravely surrendering while toasting a life well lived. (obviously depending a great deal on how you’ve chosen to live the in-between.)

i guess, for me, it all comes down to the way i define home. home is not a villa in tuscany or a penthouse apartment in buenos aires. it’s not a pink house in a small mining town either. home is a feeling inside that reminds me “this is right.”

my oldest son wrote a poem many years ago, after his first week ever away from home. a poem that described what homesickness feels like. he expressed the emotion vividly, using all his senses. and it ended with this line, this line that has stuck with me ever since: “homesickness feels like you can’t swallow.”

i’ve come to realize that there’s no better description. when it’s wrong, when you’re somewhere you know you don’t belong or want to be, you know it. it’s a visceral reaction. you cannot swallow.

you can learn, however, to carry the most-important-of-life’s-treasures tucked safely inside your heart. then, no matter your geographical location, you will always feel safe and comforted.

you will always be home.

.

“his life, he marveled, had come full circle, like a wheel spinning around, always ending at the beginning, always beginning at the end. that, he saw, was just the way of things.”
-from home to italy by peter pezzelli

i’d planned to wax poetic
with another 500 words or so
musing on my life of entering
and re-entering different
locations around the globe

but physically and mentally
my body had other ideas
and i’m still sifting through the
outlandish, frustrating, debilitating
symptoms and thoughts that’ve visited me

my muted and cloudy psyche oddly
lacking any emotional resonance

i seem to have lost my usual rhythm
(hopefully only a temporary pause)
my once-endless momentum has stalled
and i’ve been trying in vain for
months to reignite it once more

so this week, instead, a cluster of
photographs that depict my wavy floaty
sleepless-and-surreal past few days
i am reminded again, as always, that
there truly is beauty everywhere

though sometimes it can feel
just out of one’s reach

i’ve been thinking about repatriation and my delayed reaction to the grief that often accompanies it. disconnected, dismantled. in between two worlds.

24 november 2020. we traveled across the ocean, only planning to stay five months. but now, unbelievably, the five months have turned into almost six years.

of course the journey and the homecoming were complicated, overshadowed by covid-19 and the pandemic. i was also experiencing the worst and longest asthma flare-up i’ve ever had, ten months straight. plus just one month before, we’d said a tearful goodbye to mr. smith, our beloved (and rather famous) tuxedo cat.

physically, mentally, psychologically . . . i was a wreck.

my emotions were complex and scattered, impossible to neatly sort through. the joyful reunion with our sons, lifelong friends within reach once more. roots, familiarity. at the same time, i mourned for the new home we’d created in those four years, my italian friends, my belongings left behind.

interestingly, the impact of re-entry was oddly-yet-clearly illuminated during my trip to argentina last month. and it’s been dominating my thoughts ever since.

i recall, after the initial shock wore off, existing in a truly surreal liminal space. going through the motions, but hardly present. suspended inside an undulating lava lamp. disengaged from myself, from my core essence.

and i realized that that not-quite-settled feeling has never fully gone away. despite moving on with the pink house adventure, and life unfolding, in north idaho. despite the four trips back to italy. despite the three additional retreats at the villa. even despite the seamless thread we assume, in each location each time.

where in the world did i (do i) belong?

[stay tuned for part 2, next thursday . . .]

the year began with a quiet
isolated sojourn to the sea
rockaway on the oregon coast
in wintry january

a chance to shed a lot of
very heavy stuff
still weighing us down
from the year before

immediately upon returning
another broken bone
surgery plus physical therapy
weeks cocooned inside

finally emerging from my shelter
to travel to south america in june
falling in love again with buenos aires
exploring patagonian delights

currently wrapped up
in world cup matches
rooting once more (eternally!)
for my gritty argentina squad

appreciating increased attention
to soccer (futbol) in the states
but bristling at the inevitably
inflammatory snark of social media

allowing my mind to roam free
imagining and visualizing
an all-new winter retreat
this time at the pink house

while feeling disconnected and
perhaps a bit misunderstood
the sting of words and gestures
processing, distancing, protecting

that’s life though
one moment easy and carefree
the next confusing and hard
almost always unpredictable

[all three images captured from little book of inspiration by mantraband]

my husband eric and i travel differently. we usually go somewhere with the idea of potentially moving to that location.

we’ve always done this, and quite seriously too. because we’ve discovered that one of the best ways to get to know a place is to go on a real-estate-scouting expedition. on long island new york, in the european countries of portugal and france, etc. (although both our apartment in buenos aires and our villa in italy were boldly purchased sight unseen!)

anyway, we don’t just visit a place. while there, we live “as if” . . . genuinely trying to approximate what it would be like to reside there on a more permanent basis.

we’ve been to argentina five times. in 2009, 2011, 2012, 2014, and 2026. mostly spending time in its capital city, but this year exploring several provinces in patagonia as well. (on previous journeys, we’ve taken side trips to two other south american countries — paraguay in 2012 and chile in 2014.)

eric and i have owned our apartment for fifteen years, but hadn’t been back in twelve. and i’d been wondering how i’d feel about returning, after experiencing a robbery the last time. as with all very large metropolitan areas, one must always be aware. but we noticed there’s a much bigger police presence now, cops on several corners, and i felt quite comfortable walking everywhere. overall the city, which i’ve always thought to be beautiful, felt significantly safer. and cleaner too. absolutely zero dog waste on the sidewalks (which had previously been such a problem that it was even mentioned in guidebooks).

for me, this journey to argentina felt the most meaningful by far. i felt different, in the best sense. viscerally connected in ways i never had before to this third home-in-the-world of mine. and i did not want to leave.

we are currently considering buying property in patagonia. will we actually do it? we’ll see. but i realized that i revel in this process — to dream, to imagine, to create another chapter. and i know, from personal experience, that far-reaching daydreams sometimes come true (like hosting women’s retreats at my villa in tuscany).

i also know how much work (and fear and tears) go into such a life-changing decision. if we commit to yet another huge endeavor, our world-as-we-know-it would drastically change once again.

i’ve been going back and forth on this one. though i am somewhat restless by nature, i do love the rhythm of my routines and rituals. in fact i seem to, all at once, both acutely crave and sincerely dread change.

do i want to feel that intense level of uncertainty and bewilderment all over again? do i want to rely heavily on my partner for sole companionship and support during the unknown-wilderness phase of this possible venture?

i must ask myself what exactly it is i am seeking. because i want both » the thrill of a new adventure plus the comfort of perceived security.

it always seems to come down to that trite sentiment for me . . . life is short. so why the hell NOT put myself out there and dive into as much of what interests me in this human experience as i possibly can?

i have always feared complacency more than anything else. i just don’t think i’m equipped to live out the rest of my days in one stable predictable setting. i get bored. i’m always wondering what else might be out there, what i haven’t done yet, how i might be eschewing growth.

there is one thing that cannot be denied about living life on the edge of newness, and eric and i have discussed it at length. and that is how the concept of time expands when we go in search of something novel. moments during the almost-three-weeks in argentina felt as if they passed more slowly and were filled with more insight and richer meaning. we noticed the same while living in italy, navigating continuous challenges each day as we adjusted to a new language and culture. on the other hand, with the familiar day-to-day rhythm of life in the states, the regularly-scheduled calendar of our weeks and months (and years) seems to fly by ever so quickly.

we would have stayed longer this time. we’ve stayed much longer during past visits. there’s nothing standing in our way . . . we’re essentially global nomads and can work from anywhere. our sons have obviously been on their own for many years. we (sadly) don’t even have cats to get back to anymore.

and i really really wanted to stay. i kept telling eric that, after months of enduring numbness (physical/mental/emotional), i was finally feeling ALIVE!

but i had to get back for my monthly biologic injection. which, ironically, seems to have suddenly stopped working for me.

i’m dealing with extreme sinus issues again (since the 23rd of may). i guess technically it’s a samter’s triad flare-up, but i’m worried it may actually be a medication failure. my last few injections seem to have done nothing, an indication my body is getting too used to the drug, rendering it (along with so many other treatments in the past) ineffective.

so yeah, that put a huge damper on my time in argentina. unable to breathe either in or out through my nose (and still struggling), after a 3.5-year respite of blissful breathing while on nucala.

i was determined, however, to ignore and enjoy as much as possible. and i think i did that. it was the very best trip, made even more special since we got to spend so much of it with our older son. (the only things missing: a get-together with our dear argentine friends who manage our apartment for us, due to logistical issues; and of course, our younger son too.)

my sinus condition remains the same (not great) since arriving back in the states. reminding me once more that life is short and i must take decisive action while still ready and able.

maybe we should have just stayed in argentina. perhaps we will soon return. to our amazing apartment in the city, where everything we need is just a few steps away. or maybe to a new place in the desert or mountains, for that solitude and respite this extrovert often requires and relishes.

so many possibilities (one of my favorite words). so many chances to dream.

for now. while i still can.

perhaps enthusiastically grabbing onto one of those possibilities or chances makes perfect sense. sooner rather than later.

while i’m feeling so truly alive.

its rugged and untamed wilderness
its breathtakingly majestic mountains

its urban elegance and energy
its passionate and warm people

and all of it, simply all of it . . . beyond magical

you go on a 7-hour adventure with an argentine man who:

• knows the land intimately

• fearlessly and expertly drives his truck where there are no roads (or on narrow only-for-ATV roads with switchbacks and steep drop-offs)

• tirelessly answers hundreds of questions

• graciously welcomes you into his home for coffee and medialunas

we spent the afternoon and evening with a local realtor yesterday, about an hour and 20 minutes from bariloche, exploring just one amazing property (which happens to neighbor the queen of holland’s).

and it proved to be one of the most extraordinary once-in-a-lifetime experiences ever.

[over 550 photos were taken. here are a few.]

p.s. the awe-inspiring andean condor (the largest flying bird on earth with its 10-foot-plus wingspan) made an appearance yesterday too. five condors flew overhead, one quite close, as we navigated the narrow mountain road. alas, no clear pictures were captured, though our son did get a video of one earlier in the week.

twelve years since a rather
regrettable incident in 2014

but now we’re finally back
and it was definitely time

buenos aires is still as energetic
and colorful as it ever was

but it’s also fresher, cleaner now
than ever before

vibrant and cosmopolitan
passionate, expressive, and warm

nicknamed the “paris of south america”
both romanticized and unexpected

yet in some small way
comfortably familiar to me

we’ve owned an apartment in the city
for a decade and a half now

and when we’re here
it feels like home

oh, how time just seems to extend and
expand without mind-numbing routine

we’ve been marveling at how much life
has been lived in only four days

truly one of my favorite places on earth
so very gratifying to reunite once more

that i save cool containers and boxes with no thought as to what their second lives will be?

that i’ve never really liked my middle name but have appreciated it more since realizing it may have been my dad’s nod to my great-grandmother’s french heritage (who settled into italian life after marrying)?

what if i were to tell you that i used to be able to bake a mean mud pie in my playhouse but have no desire to bake real pies as an adult?

that true blue is not my favorite color and 3 is not my favorite number so i tend to avoid both?

that i didn’t really know i have a thing for chairs of all kinds until i started accumulating so many?

what if i were to tell you that i grew fascinated with a baby bird — even though i’m terrified of birds — who was trying unsuccessfully, over and over again, to fly onto my lawn chair?

and that another baby bird overcame extreme odds after finding out his mother hadn’t briefed him on the dangers of windows?

that i stood in awe of an evergreen sapling growing out of the middle of a driveway in my neighborhood?

what if i were to tell you that i often say “i’m sorry” — not when i really have anything to be sorry for but rather as a verbal reflex?

that i smile at everyone i pass by even when some of them don’t smile back?

and that i laugh to myself when i catch those particular individuals totally by surprise?

what if i were to tell you that i am insanely happy being able to write again with my dominant hand, after breaking my wrist and going through a difficult recovery?

that a young moose calmly walked down my alley four days ago?

that a solid hug after a brutal day turns my entire mindset around?

what if i were to tell you that i love bagels and baguettes but bagels and baguettes no longer love me?

that i am a citizen of the united states and a citizen of italy and a resident of paraguay?

that i admire resilience and moxie?

what if i were to tell you that my childhood nickname was bunnyboo?

and that my mom always drew my own personalized bunny logo on the envelopes she addressed to me?

that memories of my dad cracking jokes and my mom laughing at them warm my heart and sadden me at the same time?

what if i were to tell you that my first solo trip anywhere was the time i rode my turquoise miss buzz bike to the S&R drive-in and ordered a 7-up all by myself?

that i experience heightened anxiety every time i travel by air even though i love love love exploring the world?

that i still really really really miss mr smith and harlowe?

what if i were to tell you that celebrating the winter — not summer — solstice on june 21 this year sounds both upside-down and lots of fun?

that my journal collection, those carefully-recorded moments of my life (bins and bins of them), are very very important to me, maddeningly important, crucial even?

that those memoir-like words are how i remember my days, relive snippets of my experiences, analyze my existence, put the whole picture together, in order to recognize and honor who i’ve become and who i am still becoming?

what if i were to tell you?

[combined 13-minute freewrites inspired by 2 lines from 2 poems by maya stein & rosemerry wahtola trommer]